Radio Free Kirkopolis

Crap. I’ve been ‘tagged.’ Now my blog buddy Shari is a lovely woman who runs a pretty good page, but Christ Almighty this thing is long (27 questions, are you kidding me?) and painful. Not to mention I hate these things in the first place. Let’s face it, they’re really just an excuse for something to do at work that looks like work, only isn’t. But none the less rules of decorum dictate that I answer the damn thing and rules of studlyness dictate that I bitch about it the whole time.
But, it fills space and I haven’t posted in a while so, here goes-

1. You can press a button that will make any one person explode. Who would you blow up?
Well I suppose Hitler would suffice at the moment, but since the question said nothing of historical people one would have to assume that only living people qualify. With that I’d have to go with Kati Couric.

2. You can flip a switch that will wipe any band or musical artist out of existence. Which one will it be?
Rob f**king Zombie. Seriously dude, I’ve heard Ministry, I’ve seen Ministry, you are no Ministry- and maybe Axl Rose

3. Who would you really like to just punch in the face?
Well this is under the assumption that it’s ok to hit a women (which of course is never ok) so I’d go with the aforementioned Kati Couric.

4. What is your favorite cheese?
A nice brick of Colby, eaten’ by itself. The working man’s cheese.

5. You can only have one kind of sandwich. Every sandwich ingredient known to humankind is at your immediate disposal. What kind will you make?
Absoluetly no question about it- Ice Cream sandwich.

6. You have the opportunity to sleep with the movie celebrity of your choice. We are talking no-strings-attached sex and it can only happen once. Who is the lucky celebrity of your choice?
Ironicly, Kati Couric.

7. You have the opportunity to sleep with the music-celebrity of your choice. Who do you pick?
Sara Evans, Sara Evans, Sara Evans, Sara Evans, Sara Evans, Sara Evans.

8. Now that you've slept with two different people in a row, you seem to be having an excellent day because you just came across a hundred-dollar bill on the sidewalk. Holy shit, a hundred bucks! How are you gonna spend it?
Well its found money (literally) so I suppose I’d take it to our local gamblin’ boat and put it all on red.

9. You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go
Do I have money on this trip? Or do I have to fend for myself once I get there? I guess it would be a toss up between Australia and New York. Australia has the Great Barrier Reef and lots of Foster’s Lager, while New York has all sorts of things (one in particular) that I’ve always wanted to see.

10. Upon arrival to the aforementioned location, you get off the plane and discover another hundred-dollar bill. Shit! Now that you are in the new location, what are you gonna do?
Purchase copious amounts of yellow-jackets and porn.

11. An angel appears out of Heaven and offers you a lifetime supply of the alcoholic beverage of your choice. It is...?
Stolie Tonics.

12. Rufus appears out of nowhere with a time-traveling phone booth. You can go anytime in the PAST. What time are you traveling to and what are you going to do when you get there?
1986 (I was 15) and I’d take my entire life savings (about $1000) and sneaky go cash out my life insurance (without my mom knowing about it), clear out my Dad’s checking account (he never kept a balance) and invest it all in a little company called “Microsoft.”

13. You discover a beautiful island upon which you may build your own society. You make the rules. What is the first rule you put into place?
No toppling of totalitarian monarchies based upon me.

14. You have been given the opportunity to create the half-hour TV show of your own design. What is it called and what's the premise?
A funny, yet poignant sitcom about wacky doctors and their goings on during the Korean conflict. I’d call it M*A*S*H.

15. What is your favorite curse word?
Been watching a little too much “Inside the Actor’s Studio” have we? Well, Jack Lemmon answered that question so I’ll go with his- f**cking c**ksucker.

16. One night you wake up because you heard a noise. You turn on the light to find that you are surrounded by MUMMIES. The mummies aren't really doing anything; they're just standing around your bed. What do you do?
Spray them with a little Fabreeze and go back to sleep.

17. Your house is on fire, holy shit! You have just enough time to run in there and grab ONE inanimate object. Don't worry, your loved ones and pets have already made it out safely.So what's the item?
Well, if you count my audio system as one item (even though it’s several components that make up one unit) I’d have to go with that. If not, well then I guess all my irreplaceable family pictures or some shit like that.

18. The Angel of Death has descended upon you. Fortunately, the Angel of Death is pretty cool and in a good mood, and it offers you a half-hour to do whatever you want before you bite it. Whatcha gonna do in that half-hour?
Masturbate like Michael J. Fox after a six pack of Yoo-Hoo and a vile of crack.

19. You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what's even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What's it gonna be?
If memory serves, Mary Anne had super sight, Ms. Howell had super speed, Gilligan had super strength, but I’m going with invisibility. After all, I’m single again and I’ve only got a half an hour to live.

20. You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again?
That last half hour that Death granted me in question 18.

21. You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be? (the answer "nothing" doesn't count)
That time I saw Christian Later throw up a miracle three-pointer to beat Kentucky and eventually win the National Championship (and you people thought I’d bring up the last year and ½ of my life- hey a man’s got to have priorities).

22. You got kicked out of the country for being a time-traveling heathen who sleeps with celebrities and has super-powers. But check out this cool shit... you can move to anywhere else in the world! Bitchin'! What country are you going to live in now?
That island where I’m totally already the King.

23. This question still counts, even for those of you who are under age. Check it out. You have been eternally banned from every single bar in the world except for ONE. Which one is it gonna be?
Flannagin’s Ale House- Louisville, Ky.

24. Hopefully you didn't mention this in the super-powers question.... If you did, then we'll just expand on that. Check it out... Suddenly, you have gained the ability to FLOAT!!! Whose house are you going to float to first, and be like "Dude, check it out... I can FLOAT!"?
Oh, Jessica Simpson’s and she’d be all “That’s soooo cool. You wanna have dirty, dirty, sex while floating?”

25. The constant absorption of magical moonbeams mixed with the radioactive vegetables you consumed earlier has given you the ability to resurrect the dead famous-person of your choice. So which celebrity will you bring back to life?
Mozart. Can you imagine that guy in a modern sound studio?

26. The Celestial Gates of Beyond have opened, much to your surprise because you didn't think such a thing existed. Death appears. As it turns out, Death is actually a pretty cool entity, and happens to be in a fantastic mood. Death offers to return the friend/family-member/person, etc. of your choice to the living world. Who will you bring back?
My fraternal grandfather, never really got to know him but he seemed like a cool guy- (no, not every one of my answers has to be witty).

27. What's your theme song?
Well, now that I can float I suppose it would have to be the them song from “The Greatest American Hero.”
-Believe it or not, I’m walkin’ on air, I never thought I could be so free, flyin’ away on a wing and a prayer…..-

Aright, my peeps. I'm tagging:
No one. Why I would subject any of my friends to this is beyond me. But, if I can find Kati Couric’s e-mail address……..

p.s. Shari's now on my links. Cograts girl- welcome to the clubhouse. Secret handshake and password to be taught later. Dues are collected first Tuesday of each month.