Radio Free Kirkopolis

So I signed up at the local Gold’s Gym and have been going pretty steady since, about two months now.
It’s a nice place, and the people are friendly and helpful. I was kind of half expecting a bunch of uber-looking, rock solid, super freaks who wouldn’t give an average (well, OK- slightly above average) Joe like myself the time of day, unless of course they could flex while looking at their watch.
During my initial visit I did notice that the um, ‘view’ alone was worth the price of admission. However, for every eye-friendly female (who by the way does not want to be bothered by would-be muscle head Casanova’s- more on that later) there are at least 4 guys who look like they were just sculpted by Michelangelo. I suppose it really doesn’t pay to be King, especially when you’re King of the Dipshits.
But enough self-deprecating humor- here’s a few things I’ve observed and would love to pass on.

• Why are you wearing flip-flops at a gym? I mean really. I know they’re all the rage and all the kids are wearing them, but try not to be too upset when you see me pointing and laughing hysterically when you drop a dumbbell on your un-protected foot. Better yet, when you trip over your own ‘shoe’ and fall into a weight rack. Morons.
• Although I am glad to see pregnant women at the gym, I must respectively ask that you not wear the half-shirt. I’ll be the first to admit that the pregnant belly creeps me out a lot more than it should, but none the less I think we can all agree that it should not be exposed to the general public unless completely necessary. But please, continue to exercise during your gestational time.
• Stop talking to me. I’m on limited time here people. Not only do I have a schedule to keep but one’s testosterone and adrenalin levels only last for so long. Most people’s physiologies only allow for about one hour of good levels and beyond that you’re just not getting much out of your lifts (or whatever it is you’re doing). I’ve seen people that I know spend like 2 or more hours a day in that place. What’s the point? You’re just spending a lot of money to annoy others around you- ‘cause they don’t want to talk to you either. (Oh, by the way- an easy way to avoid this is to wear an iPod, since you’re listing to music the opportunity to not listen to Cap’n Ramblesabout and not seem rude becomes much more accessible).
• I don’t care how good looking you think you are- don’t hit on the hottie workin’ the treadmill. Ask around to female friends of yours, most women really don’t want to get hit on at the gym, and it’s because of knuckleheads like you that 1/3 of my gym is a dedicated “women’s only” workout area. Without you this could instead be a dedicated “I don’t want to talk to you” area.
• Fifty plus year old guy with earring… yeah, you. The one I saw getting out of his convertible while smoking a cigarette in the parking lot- STOP FLEXING!! Oh, and the spray-on tan aint doing it for you. The reasons why you can’t get a date have nothing to do with the fact you’re over fifty, it has to do with the fact that you are pathetic.
• Fat, overweight, out of shape, elderly- keep on truckin’. I’ll have to say that most the clientele seems to be very acute to the fact that if you wanna look good, you have start somewhere. I think the whole “what are you doing here?” is kind of a gym urban legend. However, if you’re not in the best of shape, please dress accordingly. Think about that halter-top as sort of a goal to aspire to.

Um, it’s at this point I’m supposed to think of a summation that contains the same amount of attempted wit shown in the above. But, nothing seems to be coming to mind so I’ll just go ahead and cut my losses by wrapping it up with nada.

# posted by Kirk @ 3:37 PM