Radio Free Kirkopolis

It’s amazing the lies you’ll believe as long as you really want to.
When I was in college my roommate and life-long buddy Kent and I decided it would be a great idea to get a dog.
Sure, we were perpetually drunk. Sure we were never at home. Sure we lived in a trailer with no yard for a dog to run in. Sure said trailer park prohibited dogs.
Still, it was a great idea.
So, we had in mind some sort of little terrier-type dog that we would teach to jump over stuff and catch Frisbees in front of the girls sunbathing at the quads, and we’d name him Buster, or Buddy, or something like that. We went to the pound, lied about our living conditions and picked up exactly what we were looking for- a mixed rat terrier named Buddy. The lady at the shelter told us that as new owners it was a good idea to change the name, thus- became Bonkers.
Bonks was a kick ass dog. He did some truly amazing things. For one, he was a chick magnet. On the rare occasion when girls would stop by for pre-bars, he wouldn’t jump up on them and (to their disgust) start licking (trust me, it doesn’t work) he’d instead just meekly sit on their lap, hold out his paws and give them a sweet little hug.
Money, this dog was pure money.
He was also a fantastic singer. You know how whenever you’re with a group of friends and you’re all drinking and (inevitably) Billy Joel’s “Piano Man” comes on and every one has to sing? Well the amazing Bonkers did just that. When the harmonica part started he would just point up his nose and howl like the Easterly Winds.
…And he was smart. Maybe, to smart.
I’ve had three dogs in my life and they’ve all done some amazing things, but this story takes the cake-
Kent and I were getting ready to go out one Saturday night, Kent was a little hungry so he dialed up Dominoes and got an extra large. That was always the plan; eat half before you go out and the other half when you get back. Anyway, half an extra large is quite a bit; as a matter of fact I had a piece or two because he couldn’t fit all of one half in his stomach.
We then go out for a few hours and come back very drunk and very hungry- only to find our pizza was gone.
Huh?
We actually thought someone broke in, ate our pizza, took no valuables, locked the door behind them, and left.
Here’s what this dog did- First he got up on the end table. Then he opened the pizza box without causing it to fall off the table, or with the aid of opposable thumbs. Then he ate ALL the pizza. This was a little dog, about the size of that “Frazer” dog. His stomach was probably the size of golf ball, yet he somehow managed to fit half an extra large Domino’s in his belly. Then lastly (and here’s the truly amazing part)- when he finished HE CLOSED THE BOX.
I was dumbfounded. We looked for hours for a hiding place where he could have stashed the rest of the pizza, but found nothing. We thought about who had the keys or the gumption to break in and eat half a pizza, but Dave had been with us the whole time.Amazing.
Well, after two years Kent went on to UGA Law and I moved in the fraternity house. We decided it was a good idea to give Bonks to Kent’s mom and dad (Dottie and Larry). They had just bought a farm and they always seemed to like the little guy anyway. Besides, what kind of human would deny a dog a chance to go live on a farm? That’s like denying a 16 year old a chance to live at the Playboy mansion.
Bonkers loved it. His brain power shined through even more than before. He could tell time, no kidding. Larry would sometimes stay out in the fields a little long and put himself in jeopardy of being late for supper, but Bonks knew better and would head back to the house on his own if Larry didn’t take him back. I’m told it got to the point where Larry wouldn’t even wear his watch because he didn’t need to.
Even for a little guy he was great at keeping deer and other varmints out of the corn, but was always best at keeping your feet warm on a cold winter’s night.
I think it’s safe to say that Bonkers had one of the best lives in the history of dogs. In a true Orphan Annie form he started as an orphan, abandoned at a young age, found by two worldly, fun loving caregivers, and settled down in his version of paradise.

I say all this because yesterday I got a letter from Dottie. Bonkers passed away early last Friday, he was 17. There’s a tree at the farm that Larry would park under on hot days for shade, Bonks would lay there for hours, keeping an eye on things. Larry buried him there around sunset.

Dottie (Kent’s mom) took the time to type up a nice little obituary for him, and I’d like to share it with all of you.
This was truly a great pooch.

Bonkers “Bonkie” Lawrence passed away Friday, February 17th 2006 at his home surrounded by his adoptive parents. Bonk was born in 1989 but was abandoned by his parents at an early age. He was rescued by a group of college students and lived at Town and Country Mobile Park in Carbondale for several years. Bonk did not graduate from SIU but did obtain a great wealth of knowledge during his college years. His chosen profession was that of a food connoisseur, specializing in the pizza line. In 1994 he was adopted by Larry and Dottie Lawrence and moved to Marion. He resided in Marion until his passing.
He is survived by no known relatives but will be missed by a large number of close friends. His favorite things were sleeping, farming and hunting deer.
Private graveside services were held on Friday. In lieu of flowers, donations can be made to the Jackson County Humane Shelter in Carbondale Illinois.